violet crumble: this is for you

I’ve been asked to blog about certain things that have happened to me, things I’ve said, done, lied about etc. . This could take years, so I’ve completely just selected random thoughts and memories. This may not interest everyone or in fact anyone, other than the person who wants me to write it. That being my MIDDLE sister. So here goes, some more information about myself that maybe you didn’t know..

It happened to me:

• walking through Perth mall on way to train station, saw a fireman selling calendars, he kind of smiled/winked/gestured at me. So I rolled my eyes and kind of made a  ‘pft’ noise and then he said as clear as day ‘ I wasn’t looking at you’. one word – M O R T I F I E D  (he was though, wasn’t he? !!)
• Told all my friends that I DID go down the Ned Kelly waterslide at Australia’s Wonderland, but never did. Ever. Would never catch me on that death ride. Instead I was listening to Uncanny X Men on the steps of the big roller coaster.
• Was so afraid that my head was going to get flushed down the toilet when I was in Yr 7, that I had an ‘accident’ in the history staff room (I wasn’t quite 13 yet, c’mon) told everyone that I fell over in a puddle of dog wee??
• Drank someone’s elses can of lemonade (with a chewed up sloppy straw that I thought was mine) only to discover that it was someone else’s and that my friends mum was holding my can. This haunted me for quite some time.I washed my mouth out at least a trillion times.
• I made my friends (on more than one occasion) ring up my ex boyfriend when I was in yr 8 and play over the phone Kim Wildes ‘ you keep me hanging on’ and then made them hang up after the first verse was over.
• Was visiting a friend in hospital once and asked the man in the bed next to him to ring my mum and say he was from 2SM radio station and that she had been selected randomly and won $10,000
• When I first met my husband to be, he took me on a picnic in the WOODS. Car broke down, he thought it was an adventure so he got out his guitar and played the only song he knew how to play ‘silent night’ this freaked me out, as the Claremont Serial Killer still at large, so I called my Mum, she told me to call the NRMA. It’s not called the NRMA over here mum. She also asked me ‘how well do you know this boy’. Not that well, and clearly he didn’t know me that well, as this picnic in the woods, was full of motorbike riding hoons ! not my idea of fun.
• Dad used to get mad at me and then ask for a cup of coffee, because he has no taste buds, I would use salt instead of sugar in his coffee.
• The one time I sneaked a smoke in the alley at school, one of my dad’s guitar pupils saw and told my father. That same week my mum also found out and that was when I realised that Vitamin C tablets x 100 did not HIDE the smell, even though they were only Menthol.
• Could never go to sleep if I was fighting with my sisters, had to tell them that I loved them, even though I hated (harsh word, don’t let my girls say that word actually) them at the time. My middle sister never felt the need to respond though, so this would anger me even more, but I would still shout ‘I LOVE YOU’ and then go to bed feeling sad.
• My first job after school I was ‘promoted’ to accounts payable, although the company had no money to pay anyone, and so sometimes I would just bin the 90 days notice invoice. Told my mother this years later and she was astounded.
• This also  became my own motto for opening my mail. Don’t open unless it’s Pink, then there’s a problem.
• I have ‘numerous’ times take out loans to CONSOLIDATE but failed to cut up credit cards at the same time. Problems did occur, but hey.. Miss Shop loved me !
• I cried the first time my first born did a projectile poo that went everywhere, and not too ashamed to admit that I woke my mum up around 2am and demanded in some crazy womans voice that she clean it up.
• Similar to when husband was away, was alone in canberra with a new born and she was very constipated, had to call mum who was at a workshop (for scrapbooking) made her cry because she couldn’t help me. She was about a 4 hour drive away.
• Came home to house in Canberra one day, to discover a larger than large huntsman on my front door. Called husband, he was in the city and couldn’t come to my rescue, so I called my neighbour who was at a friends house, explained that there was really no way past this, I wasn’t brave enough and did you know ‘that I do have a young baby with me’ so she came home and her 13yr old daughter captured the beast. To this day I am not embarrassed about this.
• Sorry Mr Blatch for always interrupting computer classes with my laughter.
• Sorry My Grimes for being part of the pack who put a toothbrush and toothpaste on your desk (always felt bad about that).
• Glandular fever prevented me from going on the FAIRSTAR but that’s ok, because I bought myself a WHITE pair of jeans from sportsgirl and spent the 10 days at my Aunties house.
• My first job in a large company, I DID ask the question ‘is there toilets on every floor’ all 8 of them ! never lived that one down.
• There was an advertisement on the back of the local perth TV Guide and it was about MIDLAND BRICK and on it was a lady with a pair of sunglasses. The sunglasses were made of bricks though, and the guy I was sharing the house with said to me ‘hey check this out’ so I looked at it and said ‘wow, she does have a big head’. A completely naff moment on my behalf and to this day gets so much mileage. You know who you are, and I love you.. but enough is enough ! (might have had to have been there for this one to make much sense).
• Only since moving to Perth have I come to realise what the term ‘camel toe’ means.
• Was asked repeatedly to go to Perth ‘Sunday Sessions’ before I realised that NO it wasn’t a term for bucket bongs in someones stinky old caravan (never did that anyway) and that it was just a term for the pubs staying open late on Sunday nights (9pm late)
• Have swallowed more than 1 fly in my time.
• Believed my mum when she said having a baby felt like you were doing a really big poo !!
• Also believed my mum when she told me she had a friend who went deaf from going to bed with wet hair, so spent years not doing so, and only stopped this once mum realised I was doing the same thing to my own girls.
• Yet again believed my mum when she said that she sent our dog ‘aussie’ to the farm, but instead sent him to his death (RSPCA) but hey, poetic licence and all that.
• Still going on about my beautiful mum, she also told me that if you used your hand to rub under your chin then you wouldn’t get a double chin as it’s exercise ? Until someone told me a while later that if that were true then you’d see people everywhere just flapping there hands all over their bodies.
• Belived my nan when she told me that it was HER friends grandaughter that came back from the FAIRSTAR with Aids? Same friend that also came back from FAIRSTAR with a dark baby but had a white boyfriend ?
•  I have now taken to lying to my own kids, telling them that there is a secret video camera in the house and that if they are lying to one another or me that I will have to watch it when they go to sleep !
• There are 3 things that my husband did not know & that is the following: REM stands for Rapid Eye Movement, Fangio is a race car driver and CTRL ALT DELETE is the same as rebooting or similar. I never let him forget it and he always tells me in this ‘george castanza’ voice YOU’VE GOT 3 BABY .. that’s it !
• I did go to not 1 but 2 John Farnham concerts and LOVED LOVED LOVED them both.
• Did get drunk at the AMP Christmas Party, but told my mum that it was food poisoning. I was 21 I think.
• Everywhere I’ve ever worked, I end up doing office impersonations of the people I work with. Last time I thought I’m older now, I’ll just do it in front of my boss, and I did. He didn’t really laugh, but I’m no longer working there so that’s ok.
• I was just getting out of the shower one Sat night ready to go out, when my sisters yelled out from their bedroom ‘ your friend from school is on HEY HEY’, so I ran out of shower and fell flat on my face.. Naked. Dad was in front of me. Embarrassing.. very
• I went swimming at Mullaloo Beach with my husband, and my friends boyfriend.. I navigated the wave incorrectly and ended up being washed up on the sand. I was wearing Bikini (sigh – those were the days and in fact I wasn’t married then.. just good old boyfriend and girlfriend) and sat up and laughed and laughed and laughed and then realised that my Bikini top had fallen askew but to my friends boyfriends credit, he DID mention it.. more than once !

Is that enough?

Hope some of this had made you laugh/remember middle sister of mine. I know there’s more but I think I have embarrassed myself as much as I want to for one day.. one more thing I LOVE YOU.. xx